It must be real exciting to get to fight ogres and monsters all the time! I've only ever seen one ogre -- Mr. Rasmussen, my Geography teacher. He's got a big pot belly and snaggly teeth and hair growing out of his ears and he's real grumpy all the time, so I'm pretty sure he's an ogre. He made me stay after class and tidy the blackboard because I couldn't remember the name of some dumb river. If you're ever in town, I'll find out where he lives so you can hit him with your sword. That'll teach him! Ha ha ha, see what I did there?

After school today, I went down to the corner store to buy some Smooth Soy Bears and the new issue of The Ineffable Louis Spade vs. the Mysterious Object, but it turned out I didn't have any money! Mom won't give me an advance on my allowance unless I brush the dog. Darn. Darn it to heck.

Life here is the same as it ever was. Every morning, I have to sweep the chicken coop before I can eat breakfast. Usually, I have a big plate of sponge cake with a side of rutabaga, and wash it down with a glass of ketchup.