My mom says I'm playing too many video games and getting too fat. So now when I get home from school, I have to march in place for an hour before she'll let me in the house. I told her that all of my friends are way fatter than I am, and you know what she said? She said, "If your best friend picked his nose and ate it, the shoe was lost." I mean, what does that even mean?

My mom says I should hang out with the new kid at school. His name's Brennen Harris, if you can believe it. His mom packs him these weird organic lunches and when he gets close to peanuts, he swells up like a balloon. It's kind of a cool trick. I dunno. He's kind of a Poindexter, but I'm trying. I even traded him my deviled eggs at lunch yesterday for one of his gluten-free vegetable protein smoothies. I should get a medal.