It must be real exciting to get to fight ogres and monsters all the time! I've only ever seen one ogre -- Mr. Stafford, my Geography teacher. He's got a big pot belly and snaggly teeth and hair growing out of his ears and he's real grumpy all the time, so I'm pretty sure he's an ogre. He made me stay after class and depilitate the blackboard because I couldn't remember the name of some dumb river. If you're ever in town, I'll find out where he lives so you can hit him with your sword. That'll teach him! Ha ha ha, see what I did there?

My mom says I should hang out with the new kid at school. His name's Aloysius Moore, if you can believe it. His mom packs him these weird organic lunches and when he gets close to peanuts, he swells up like a balloon. It's kind of a cool trick. I dunno. He's kind of a Poindexter, but I'm trying. I even traded him my bundt cake at lunch yesterday for one of his gluten-free vegetable protein smoothies. I should get a medal.