| Ever since you were a little boy, you wanted to become a mighty pirate and sail the seven seas, looting and plundering. Unfortunately, the country of Bafflesbury is totally land-locked, so you had to settle for being a Thief. As luck would have it, as you were passing through the land of Waltermatthau, you stopped at the inn in the quiet hamlet of Deaf Chicken, and heard the local village idiot talking about the ancient ruin that the town had (perhaps ill-advisedly) been built next to, and the fantastic Topaz Idol of Diablolo that was purported to be hidden there. Without bothering to ask why nobody had managed to recover it already, you set out on your very first quest. It was pretty easy, at first, but you didn't expect to have to bareknuckle-fight all those bandits. That shoggoth picked the total worst time to eat your bastard sword. Fortunately, "giving up" isn't in your dictionary (probably because it's two words), so you persevered. You fought your way through countless goblins and gangsters -- even a gazebo! But eventually you found the lair of the sinister Grim Barbarian Goldthwait, and were able to defeat him by knocking him into a spiked pit with a lucky critical hit. Bruised but successful, you made it back to the nearby city of Kilmer and claimed your reward.
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