The Night Denny's Was Closed FAQ

About the FAQ:The "The Night Denny's Was Closed FAQ" was developed in order to disperse important information about the night of July 15th, 1997 (and the morning of July 16th, 1997,) on which Denny's was closed. All information in the FAQ is placed in the public domain, and may be freely distributed, so long as it is done so in its complete form.

The FAQ:

1. What's the Story Here? On the night of July 15th, 1997, after a late movie, my two esteemed colleagues and I decided to go to Denny's to get some coffee and engage in some conversation of the sort that can only be engaged in in the clean, well-lighted atmosphere of a Denny's Restaurant. When we got there, however, there were two people standing outside who promptly informed us that the restaurant was closed. This struck us as unusual, because Denny's, by its nature, does not close. Ever. For anything.

2. So Why Was Denny's Closed? The two people mentioned in the answer to question 1 told us that Denny's was closed because the building had just been fumigated. We believed it, although when we saw employees inside it struck us as somewhat odd that if the environment within the restaurant was temporarily unfit for human life (as is often the case after fumigations) then they probably wouldn't force those poor late-shift employees to stay inside and clean up. We later deduced that Denny's was closed simply because they were cleaning. This doesn't happen very often, though, so the relative hum-drumness of this explanation in no way subtracted from the overall experience.

3. So What Did You Guys Do? We walked to a nearby convenience store, purchased some beverages, and walked back to Denny's. I should note that I also purchased some so-called "Chewy Sweet Tarts," upon which I repeatedly hurt my teeth, because they were not, in fact, chewy. We walked back to Denny's and sat in the back of one of my colleagues' truck. We sat there for about 2 hours, having essentially the same conversation which we would've had had Denny's been open, subtracting, perhaps, comments about how lousy the coffee was this evening. This conversation was more interesting, however, in that it was continuously interrupted by other unwary Denny's customers who arrived as the night progressed.

4. What Kind Of People Showed Up? The first new arrivals were two women, one extremely intoxicated and both fairly heavy-set. The intoxicated one came over to ask us for a cigarette. We didn't realize that in exchange for the cigarette, the woman had silently agreed to stand and talk to us for 15 minutes about things which were pretty much completely meaningless to us. Later arrivals were mostly summer-vacation-enjoying high-school kids, among them several girls who collectively caused me to wonder "Where the hell were these girls when I was in high school?" I realized that most of them were, of course, about 10 years old when I was in high school, and so that train of thought abruptly derailed. Speaking of crime, however, the last two visitors were two policemen. They went up to the door and spoke to one of the employees, and a gust of wind brought us the phrase "those guys have just been sitting there for over an hour."

5. What Did You Say To The People? We told them that Denny's was closed. We told the first couple of dozen that it was because of the fictional fumigation, but once we wised up we told the rest that it was because they were cleaning. We toyed with the idea of telling them that it was closed because a goat had gotten loose inside and caused a lot of damage, but we didn't think they'd be very apt to believe us, because who would've brought a goat to Denny's in the first place? Although, I suppose if you had a goat and you wanted some coffee at 1 in the morning...

6. What Did They Say In Response? Of the 30 or so people who we informed of Denny's closure, fully half of them replied with an emphatic "No f-cking way!" Most of the others said similar (though decidedly less profane) things, with the exception of one fellow who said "Oh yeah? Well you can suck my left nut, and your friend can suck my right nut." I am entirely at a loss to explain this.

7. What Happened In Conclusion? As I was driving home, I heard that stupid Van Halen song on the radio that I thought I would never hear again after they stopped playing it all the time a couple of years ago. I suppose the DJ figured nobody would be listening that late at night, so he could play whatever he damned well pleased.