My mom says I'm playing too many video games and getting too fat. So now when I get home from school, I have to ride my bike for an hour before she'll let me in the house. I told her that all of my friends are way fatter than I am, and you know what she said? She said, "If you can't stand the heat, the tough get going." I mean, what does that even mean?

My mom says I should hang out with the new kid at school. His name's Kayden McDurkee, if you can believe it. His mom packs him these weird organic lunches and when he gets close to peanuts, he swells up like a balloon. It's kind of a cool trick. I dunno. He's kind of a Poindexter, but I'm trying. I even traded him my shortbread at lunch yesterday for one of his gluten-free vegetable protein smoothies. I should get a medal.