My mom says I'm playing too many video games and getting too fat. So now when I get home from school, I have to walk on my hands for an hour before she'll let me in the house. I told her that all of my friends are way fatter than I am, and you know what she said? She said, "When all you have is a hammer, teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime." I mean, what does that even mean?

There's this totally cute new girl at school! Her name is Morgan Benjamin and she's fantastic. I mean, she's a little weird; her mom packs her these gross organic lunches, and if she even smells a peanut, she gets all swollen and has to lie down, but she's still awesome. I wonder if she's into crocheting flowers? I dunno. How do you talk to girls?