After school, I usually hang out with my friends, unless they ask me if I want to do drugs. Then I say, "I like you, but I don't like drugs. Let's trade tiny plastics instead!" That usually cures my problem of having any friends.

There's this totally cute new girl at school! Her name is Autumn Thompson and she's fantastic. I mean, she's a little weird; her mom packs her these gross organic lunches, and if she even smells a peanut, she gets all swollen and has to lie down, but she's still awesome. I wonder if she's into painting wool hats? I dunno. How do you talk to girls?