| Even though you were a comely child, you always wanted to become a Fighter, like your father and his father before him. You got your wish when your hometown of Deaf Chicken was attacked by a horde of Devil Cows. You got your bung handed to you, but it cemented your desire to fight. Your life changed one day, changed irrevocably -- and perhaps not for the better -- when you were wandering down the quaint bucolic dusty paths of the tiny farming village of Pig-in-a-Poke. There, you met a knight's underdeveloped cousin, who gave you broad hints as to the last known location of the long-lost Sapphire Marmot. Recognizing the street value of such a rare treasure, you set off to find it. You were doing a swell job until you had to fend off half a dozen ents with your elbow trapped in a crocodile's mouth. Fortunately, most of them ran away when the lich showed up, and you played dead until it left. That's not very heroic, but hey, it worked. Bruised but unbroken, you readied your scythe and marched forth into the darkness, where you were immediately captured by the Devil Warlock Badfella's army of sexy thieves. They hauled you before their master, but got bored and wandered off during his long gloating speech. Seeing your chance, you pushed the evil douchewad into his own meat grinder, and escaped to claim your reward from the grateful people of Bacon.
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