| As a baby you were stolen from your parents by a band of indigent native tribesmen and raised in a dark and wild mansion. They regarded you as one of their own, but the time came for you to make your own name as a professional Thief. As luck would have it, you found yourself wandering through the sleepy village of Dumpington just as the village people (you know, the construction worker, the cop, the Indian) were beset by the evil Troll Xxyrg, who had poisoned the town's banana slug population. Against your better judgment (and with the hope of fat loot to come), you agreed to try and bring the villain to justice. At first it was a real breeze, up until the part where you found yourself trapped between a meat grinder and a vending machine, with a carrion crawler bearing down upon you. That strawberry was pretty delicious, but it's didn't really make up for the damage to your thigh. Fortunately, "giving up" isn't in your dictionary (probably because it's two words), so you persevered. You fought your way through countless orphans and skeletons -- even a roper! But eventually you found the lair of the sinister Fire Wizard Hasslehoff, and were able to defeat him by knocking him into a cookie jar with a lucky critical hit. Bruised but successful, you made it back to the nearby city of Febreezia and claimed your reward.
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